Only a smile
by totti10
Summary: "You two, seriously?" "Match made in heaven, Dixie" Life is sweet for Holby's cutest couple but how do Rita and Iain cope in the face of potentially life-changing news? (Trigger: serious illness)
1. Chapter 1

I look down at the chocolate brown eyes disappearing under luscious long lashes as her lids get heavier. I feel the weight of her in my arms as she relaxes into a peaceful slumber.

"It was those eyes that did it for me you know" I murmur "Well that and everything else" I smile, remembering.

"All round genuine, caring and beautiful person. And an amazing nurse. Had me at 'hello' though if I'm honest. Head tilted up to look at me, that smile and - yep those eyes - I could have dived right in. Shouldda done. There was me, turning up fresh from the army on some crazy mission to reclaim a lass who was never mine in the first place. I could have saved everyone a lot of bother if I'd just followed my instinct and asked for a date there and then I reckon. Still we got there in the end, eh? Two years later and who knew all it would take was that cheeky line in the pub to get us here? Didn't even get an answer, just that smile again. My heart literally stopped beating when I realised I'd pulled that off" I pause and inhale deeply at the recollection. "Crazy thinking I wanted to keep us secret all that time after that, what was I playin' at? No need for secrecy when there's no one to hide from is there? Got so used to being involved with lasses I shouldn't, it muddled my thinking I reckon. It's the spontaneity I've always loved and you don't need secrecy to have that do you? Well, not us two at any rate" I chuckle.

"Talking to yourself again, sweetheart?" Your voice takes me by surprise and my stomach flips as I feel the softest of kisses brush my cheek.

"Humm… Something like that" I mumble. "She's just gone off" I continue, nodding at the bundle in my arms "I'll go and put her down. Back in a sec"

I climb the stairs carefully, push open the door to the nursery with my shoulder and lower her gently into the cot. Shelves of soft toys are illuminated by the soft glow of the night light.

"Boy are you well-loved" I say gently as I look down on her "it was never going to be any other way sweet pea" I stop as I think of the battle we went through to get her and of the tears we both shed as we confided in each other and resolved her childhood could be nothing like our own. My eyes wander from her angelic face to the shadows cast by the letters of her name arched on the wall above her. Florence.

"Destined for a career in nursing with a name like that everyone reckons" I whisper, looking down on her again. "Don't tell anyone though, but it doesn't have to be nursing. If you can do something that makes a difference that makes you happy, and if you're kind and gentle to people, then we'll know you're our girl and we'll be so proud of you whatever you do" I bend down and plant a kiss on her forehead, breathing in the smell of her soft skin as I do. I close my eyes and grip the rails of the cot to steady myself.

"Night night Florrie" I pad back across the room and pull the door gently behind me as I leave.

You're perched on the edge of the sofa when I get back to the living room so I take my customary spot next to you.

"All good?" you ask, continuing when I nod "See I told you you'd be a natural didn't I? Absolutely nothing to worry about"

"Hmmm… I guess you're right" I mutter "You're always right, aren't you?"

"You're making me sound like the boring one!" You protest. "You know full well you've been the sensible one when it matters…"

* * *

 **Two years earlier**

"Sweetheart, we've slept through the alarm, we've got half an hour!" I gently shake your shoulder.

"Not again" you mumble, rolling your face into the pillow.

"Come on, you know what this calls for, don't you?"

"Team shower" comes the muffled response and a giggle. In a bound I am round to your side of the bed, scooping you up and heading for the bathroom. You scream as I deposit you in the enclosure and the initial blast of cold spray hits your body.

"Iain Dean you will pay for that!" you gasp dodging the stream of water and grabbing my shaving gel. I intercept an obvious attempt to squirt the entire contents at my head and cover you instead, laughing because it now looks like someone has decorated you with silly string.

"You are a child" you announce, shaking your head but your eyes are laughing too. Suddenly I am pushing you against the tiles, my mouth on yours and my hands sliding over your skin, gel bursting into foam at my touch, the now warm water cascading over both of us.

Then I stop abruptly and take an involuntary step backwards. Your eyebrows furrow as you try to read my changed expression.

"What?" You ask softly, a hint of concern in your voice.

"Rita…" I push the excess water off my face with one hand, the other still rests on your breast. The last of the suds are washed away as I try desperately to block out the potential enormity of the three words I'm about to say.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Quite a short chapter for me but don't think it needs to be any longer. Don't want to give too much away before you've read it but trigger: serious illness. It should be fairly obvious what from the start...**

 **sweet-as-honey: thanks for the lovely review, glad you see them as I do! I can only apologise for what I led you (and anyone!) to believe about the 3 words at the end of the last chapter. I was kind of hoping that would work but now i feel kinda guilty... :-o Ps I read your bio and it made me laugh bc I have a Casualty widow of a husband too! XD**

 **chloehowman(beautyofthend) / ritafreemantheblondepixie / casualtyfan(read-a-holic17): \- thanks for your lovely words on Tumblr. I do this mainly for you guys :)**

 **CharieK / Semperfi91 / iaindean : thanks for your faves/follows!**

* * *

"There's a lump"

I watch you recoil at my words and hate that something I've said has caused this reaction. My heart is hammering in my chest and my mouth has gone dry but as your fingers reach for mine I guide you to what I can feel.

I know it is important for me to take control now. Reacting calmly and methodically to each new situation that presents itself is what I'm trained to do. I bundle you up in towels and place you back on the bed. I hold you tightly as I tell you what I'm going to do.

"I know this is scary but it will not get any less scary if we wait or do nothing. We act now okay?"

You nod. You seem suddenly younger. A lot younger. Childlike even. Wet hair framing your make up free face, those huge eyes staring out at me as you listen to everything I say. I kiss your damp cheek softly and then start about putting my words into actions.

Within minutes I am sat down next to you again. I have provided tea and toast though I know I will face a struggle to get you to touch either. I have made calls to Dixie and to Charlie so at the very least we aren't expected in work immediately. I am up front with both of them partly because we literally trust these people with our lives, partly because I suspect that we already need their help. My phone rings and my thoughts are vindicated. I hold your hand in mine as I listen to what Charlie has to say. If ever there was someone you wanted on your side in a crisis it's this man: stalwart of the ED and one of your closest colleagues. I close my eyes at the end of the conversation and try to gather my thoughts. It's as though two sides of my brain are doing battle in my head. I try to hear the voice that is telling me I'm doing the right thing be setting these very ominous wheels into motion but it is being drowned out by a childish tantrum that is screaming and stamping and demanding to know why we're not currently dragging each other along the road to work, the threat of being late our only care in the world. I want to be one who makes you smile not the one who has just taken your smile away. This feels like the start of a nightmare. I gulp. I must not show you that I am scared too.

"Charlie's sorted out a clinic appointment. A cancellation. Twelve thirty today."

Your hands fly to your mouth and I see the tears that now start to fall down your cheeks. I wrap both my arms around you and press my face into the top of your head.

"Hey come on, this could all be nothing" I say, more confidently than I am feeling "Shush… It's okay sweetheart."

I don't think I have ever hoped more desperately for something I have said to be true.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: so I'm not going to try and go into too much detail with the medical ins and outs, timescales etc. Suffice it to say I've got a reasonable working knowledge of what this story will be covering but will try to keep it deliberately high level so a) I don't make any glaring errors and b) the soty doean't get bogged down in medical minutiae ;)**

 **X-Sammii-X: thanks for the review**

 **Sweeet as honey: ah thank you: glad you think it worked! And thanks for comments about 1st and 2nd person. I'm really enjoying writing as Iain and initially I was going to write Rita in 3rd then wondered if 2nd would be better. I googled it for suggestions and found ABSOLUTELY NOTHING so just took the plunge! It feels right to be writing it that way so great to get your feedback, thanks :)**

 **littleboots96: omgosh I know, I'm so sorry. I'm finding it hard to write compared to the fluffier stuff I usually write but wanted to give myself more of a challenge with this. And thank you, as I'v said above I'm enjoying writing as Iain :)**

 **dharmagirl: thanks for your follow!**

* * *

The next two weeks pass in a blur of appointments, scans, a biopsy and a lot of going through the motions at work. Dixie and Charlie know us well enough to leave us to our own thoughts unless we want otherwise and if either of them have a headache arranging cover for the time off we need they make sure we are not aware.

We find ourselves sat alone in a corridor waiting to see the Oncology Consultant. There have been encouraging words about the speed at which we have acted, your health and family history but we are both aware that what this man has to say next is what really counts.

You fiddle with the diamond ring on your finger and look up at me, your eyes wide.

"You didn't sign up for this did you?" you say quietly.

"What? You're joking aren't you?" I'm facing you now, hands placed on your shoulders "I signed up for all of it. Everything. You do not get rid of me that easily Rita Freeman" I pull you into me and wrap my arm around your shoulder.

"And, matey" I say, rocking into you in a gentle nudge "I did not suffer all those hours of shopping waiting to pop the question to change my mind at the slightest hint of trouble" I look at you and you return my smile.

It's a good distraction and for a moment we're both somewhere else. New York. A first visit for both of us. Wrapped up against the snow with layers that are removed and replaced accordingly as we weave in and out of an endless stream of stores. I'm chastised for being grumpy about shopping when in reality I'm just extremely conscious about the little box I'm carrying in my pocket and worrying about how on earth I'm going to present it to you. Normally I'd be as excited as you about buying new clothes, at least for the first couple of hours, so I am beyond relieved when you eventually suggest calling it a day.

We find ourselves meandering into Central Park and - wow - I honestly had no idea it was so vast. Eventually we are crunching our footprints in virgin snow and I'm marvelling at the size of the open space and the fresh air and tranquility that we've found in the middle of this crazy city. We've loved escaping to the great outdoors at every possible opportunity in the six months we've been together and now it's as though we're the only two people for miles and it feels perfect. I look down at you and grin. You really are so impossibly cute: rosy cheeks and nose just visible between your chunky woollen hat and scarf and before I can overthink it any more I'm down on a very cold knee and asking you and your response bowls me over, literally. I'm on my back in the snow laughing with you on top of me and we're kissing and I honestly feel like the happiest and luckiest man alive.

The sound of a door opening snaps me back to the present. I take a deep breath and expel it audibly, shaking my head incredulously at the thought of that being only two months ago.

"Rita? We're ready for you if the two of you want to come through" the nurse says gently.

You instinctively reach for my hand and I squeeze it as we make our way into the consultant's room.


End file.
